| The sand around our toes. The moon and cloud covered stars above. The water rushing in no where near. A lovely night for a stroll.
It was a good night. A night I didn't expect. But I accepted. And I enjoyed. I didn't wake up with the taste of regret in my mouth. I had fun. I was finally the carefree 22 year old that I should be all the time. It may not have been the best time due to circumstances beyond control (like other people out) but damn it was still a good time.
And its a place I would go to again. Just because.
And maybe I will sometime soon. Who knows? Who can really say what the next month down here will hold? It may all be for naught. I may have been one nights enjoyment. And thats fine, I enjoyed myself too. Or maybe it can be repeatable fun. Nothing serious, nothing concrete. Just two people enjoying one anothers company while they can...
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| Hi.
Here’s the deal. I know I am not the prettiest girl around. I’m not what you would call sexy or hot. I’m cute on a good day and that’s about it. But I’m aware of it, so that counts for something right? I’m short, only 5’1”. I’m curvy. I wouldn’t say fat, especially since I’m losing weight, but I am certainly not small. But I am proportionate. I look like I make sense. If that makes sense. I like music. I live for it. I listen to bands like the decemberists, rilo kiley, the mountain goats, and kevin devine often. Constantly, really. I write but not very well. I can stage manage like its nobody’s business. I can sing too, even if I don’t have the opportunity anymore. I can play guitar passably. But I need new strings (I can’t afford them right now ). I read every day. Anything I can get my hands on. I’m fairly certain I have read something under every classification possible. Maybe not every writer ever, but a whole lot of them. And I’m trying to get more and more everyday. I could easily live on coffee and string cheese. I’m weird, but I know it. I love movies. All kinds. And I’m sad. I’m one of those girls that while I walk down Walnut St the random awkward men tell me to smile and I do and they laugh and thank me, and then I return to my sad face. I don’t know why I’m sad, but maybe you could help fix that. Actually, it isn’t that I’m really sad or discontented. I’m just… I feel like there is something I’m missing out on. I will be 22 in a matter of weeks and there’s still so much in life that I haven’t done. I know that I have all the time in the world, conceivably. But what if I don’t? Have I been wasting the past 22 years of my life doing… barely anything?
Help me fix this.
random cry for help?
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| I've just realized I have now had this journal for five years, though it has been mostly inactive for quite some time.
Five years...
So much has changed and yet, at the same time, very little has.
It seems so odd to me. There are moments when I look back at myself and still see the sixteen year old girl who started this, perhaps even the 15 year old who started my first xanga many years ago. And some moments I am the even younger girl who loved Tapsie.
(I really was an adorable child- at least I think so)
But then there are moments, shining examples of how much I've grown and learned and aged.
Its so strange. Though this is an ever present thing is everyones life I'm not sure how it is that I am growing.
Or more so how it is that I've transitioned from being the little girl above to being the dare I say woman I am today. (I really wouldn't call myself a woman- at least not yet)
Where is the cross-section in who I am?
Where is that transition- will it ever end?
Will I ever be a completely different person from that excited young girl above?
Or will I keep growing but into just a more mature and grown up version of that little girl?
Will the lessons I've learned and still learn everyday shape me that much?
Or is this it?
Am I now who I will always be?
This might not make any sense. And I realize that this is just a bunch of questions- too many considering the fact that I haven't written on this journal in quite some time, but... they are questions I need to as myself. And if this is the way I do that- so be it.
http://holdingbreathwithfingerscrossed.blogspot.com
That is really where its at.
In theory...
I started to pay for my own rent today.
Growing up...
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| it has been over three months.
but oh well it happens.
and nothing happens.
and i'm transferring from fdu to uarts.
excited.
trepedatious.
scared shitless.
you know the drill.
just read the real blog. ?
its way mroe informative.
http://holdingbreathwithfingerscrossed.blogspot.com
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| I have had this journal for 1329 days. As they say "Wow... thats a long time"
I've had my original xanga for 1643 days. "Fake_Eyes" was the name. It still exists out there.
Anyways what to say. So I'm putting this here - I don't know why but...
I really wanna make out with him. I met him all of one time and who
knows if I'll meet him again but after thinking about it I really want
to make out with this guy. Like now. Or very soon at least.
I think it'd be nice.
(He said I'm cute. I know that its not a big deal but still... I like
it when things like that are said about me because they normally aren't
and I know what I look like. I know what people see when they look at
me and most people don't jump to cute. There are a few other choice
words that spring up long before then and to hear those one by-passed
for something like "cute" ... its just nice)
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